I have to ask for your forgiveness for what you’re about to read. The truth is, enough is enough, and one more day on this mating arena known as LinkedIn is going to run me into the ground.
Every story comes with a learning, every gesture, every word, with a free goodie bag of insight, epiphany and self-development. God forbid to tell you what’s best for you, I’m merely sharing wisdom.
To all writers out there, please can we have a book on LinkedIn psychology. At least one chapter on costly and cheap signalling, please, for Zahavi’s sake.
I will spare you my indignation, instead let me convert it into something else.
I’ve recruited Peter, the self-aware, growth-minded peacock or pavo cristatus, who’s ready, in LinkedIn parlance, for new opportunities for growth. Translation: Unemployed, he’s looking for a job.
I was fortunate to be sent his covering letter to proofread. As you’ll see, there’s hardly anything to proofread. So here it is for you to read. I’ve left the recruiter’s name out for obvious ecological reasons.
Dear Hiring Committee,
I will be direct. I am the most visible candidate in your pipeline, and I have the plumage to prove it.
Track Record
Grew a single asset to 150+ feathers, each with its own eyespot. That is 150 KPIs, all RAG-green.
Generated 100% organic engagement. Zero ad spend. Peahens travelled to see me.
Maintained a 4-year streak of top-quartile symmetry.
Core Competencies
Costly signalling: I carry a 1.5-metre liability that makes escape from predators markedly harder. Any firm hiring me inherits proven risk tolerance and a flair for the conspicuous.
Stakeholder management: Selective audience of one, highly discerning, and I have converted her on the first presentation.
Brand consistency: iridescent blue-green at every touchpoint. My palette has never been rebranded.
Voice: A 110-decibel call. I have been told it carries across three valleys and one all-hands meeting.
Earned my PhD (Peahen Dazzling) through hard-fought runaway selection.
Leadership
Led a lek of rival cocks through a competitive season, outperforming each on display duration, shimmer frequency and vibration rate (my train rattles at roughly 25 Hz, which I am told is “unsettling and compelling”).
Weaknesses
I moult annually and lose everything. I regard this as agile restructuring: a full portfolio reset followed by a stronger Q1.
Why Your Company
Simple. Your office has a large open floor and no mirrors, and I am prepared to fix the second one.
Availability
Immediately, and I will be fanning out at interview. Please schedule a room with good lighting and a minimum 2-metre radius.
Best,
Peter
Until next time.